I Am a Perfect Husband

I have willingly accepted that, in the first 30 years of my life, I didn’t know how to fold a towel so that it looks good in a linen closet. Also, I understand that it’s irrelevant that nobody else should be looking in our linen closet.

I hang up my jacket even though I am going to wear it again in an hour, and I put my shoes away in the closet.

I have learned to adjust to having pillows on the bed with no purpose. I don’t throw the useless… sorry, decorative ones on the floor before bed. I store them “properly”.

I did accuse my wife of pillowing us to death at one point, and while it is better now, the ones we absolutely can’t get rid of take up a good portion of our storage locker. They are there along with the large snowman and reindeer to put out on our lawn at Christmas. We live in an apartment. It’s ok, we don’t want to rush these things.

We (she) also have vase collections, a closet full of candles of every variety, napkins to fit every possible celebration, soaps that apparently aren’t for using — they are “good soaps”, and let’s not talk about shoes, jackets, and bags.

The latest… ladders. Yes, we are collecting f’ing ladders! Its ok though. “We are not going to keep them all.”

And get this, she wants to become a minimalist. Well then if that’s how it works, I want to become a professional golfer.

To be fair, with minimalism in mind, she did go through and get rid of some of our cutlery a few days ago. We have even moved from 4 prong forks to 3 prong forks, because they are “nicer”. (I get to use the 4 prong one’s still, because I have Parkinson’s. I know, sweet right?)

One less tine on a fork is not exactly comparable to a ladder to nowhere though is it?



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John Matterson

John Matterson

I am a writer that happens to have Parkinson’s. I write about my experiences with a balance of humour, optimism and honesty.